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We're Hiring!!!

We're looking for a few good computer consultants. We need people to help out with the day to day needs of our growing list of clients here in the San Francisco Bay Area. They need to be very attentive and knowledgeable of most computer software and hardware and Internet procedures. The detailed requirements are listed below:

• Must be able to forgo any personal or family life.
  
  
• Must be able to work a minimum of 12 hours per day (sometimes 18) for systems restores and the like, and work 7 days per week when necessary.
  
  
• Must be able to do a complete system restore with absolutely no changes from the previous system. This can involve 12 hours of work, so they'll have to have the ability to compress that time to 2 hours and only charge the client 2 hours for it.
  
  
• Must be able to wait sometimes 2 months for a paycheck.
  
  
• Must have a credit line of $20,000 to extend to clients for parts to be ordered for new or failed systems. Must be willing to forego finance charges to clients when the invoice is not paid before your pay date is due. Must be able to pull money out of thin air when this happens to fill the gaps.
  
  
• Must be knowledgeable of all hardware components and their relationships to one another. Must know how all major brands interact with each other without reading manuals at the drop of a hat.
  
  
• Must be familer with all 50 millions lines of code in Windows, all versions of Windows and how they all interact with each other.
  
  
• Must have extensive computer library of over 300 books and tutorials. Must posses a credit card to purchase these books, as they can be expensive. Can't complain when a book is 3 months old and has to be thrown away because its obsolete.
  
  
• Must have own tools. You'll need a Computer System capable or burning CDs, DVDs, running all versions of Windows operating systems, UNIX, Novell, and Windows NT (all 4 versions). Your system must be able to switch on a moment's notice from one operating system to another while on the phone with clients.
  
  
• Must own commercial vehicle. If you don't have a commercial vehicle, then when you park downtown in commercial zones, it'll get towed or ticketed. Must be knowledgeable of the parking areas in San Francisco. Responsible for any tickets or towing fees.
  
  
• Must posses the ability to pickup and deliver it yesterday, no matter what it is, hardware, software and complete networks with wiring.
  
  
• Must have home phone and cellular phone with pager and voicemail. Your home phone must be able to roll-over to your cell phone, and your cell phone must have multi-line capability. They also must be able to figure out a way to be able to talk to 2 clients at the same time, and on the rare occasion, three at the same time. They must be able to talk 3 hours a day on this cell phone, so a good backup battery will be necessary.
  
  
• Can't complain when they see other technicians in the Bay Area living in big nice homes, driving big nice cars, going on big nice vacations twice a year doing the same job they are.
  
  
• They'll have to pay shipping charges for any returned parts for clients hardware that fails until reimbursed 90 days later.
  
  
• Must have a perfect record of never losing any client data from backups or failed hardware.
  
  
• Must have $2,000,000 dollars in liability insurance for any hardware or data restore failure. This is only $950 per year. Gotta have it.
  
  
• Must be able to report on new technology on a daily basis. Be able to implement this technology 1 hour after its developed.
  
  
• Posses the ability to perform updates to clients computer systems while they sleep. Must guarantee reliability of the updates from ANY manufacturer even though you had no hand in developing it or testing for its compatibility with other hardware and software that may be on the clients system.
  
  
• Did I mention that they must own a crystal ball? The crystal ball comes in handy a lot of the time.
  
  
• And last but not least, they must love what they are doing...
  
  
  Still want to apply?

If you know of anyone who fits this description, please email us or call as soon as possible. We have been placing ads everywhere but haven't had any inquiries.